Yesterday on the podcast we discussed the a horrible script that was almost utilized for Paramount for the new TMNT movie. Some key points of the script are listed below.

•  The primary antagonist of the film is no longer Shredder; instead, it is Colonel Schrader. He is the head of a secret military operation and controls an army nicknamed “the Foot.”
•  Casey Jones is the main protagonist.  Following the tween success of Twilight and Hunger Games, he and April O’Neil are apparently 18-year-olds. They are dating.
•  Casey works as a security guard in a furniture store and plays amateur hockey.
• April O’Neil has somehow gotten an internship at CBS and is now moving to New York. This is how she meets the Turtles.
• The Turtles are not from Turtleton as we has predicted. Instead they are from Dimension X (how original!).
• Casey Jones gives the turtles color-coded masks and tells them that it is cool like in Reservoir Dogs.

If you are a TMNT fan, not a TAINT (Teenage Alien Intergalactic Ninja Turtles) fan, I am sure your blood is boiling at this point. The lines in the script are terrible. References to things like Kung Fu Panda abound. I would love to believe Mr. Bay when he makes the following claims on his own website, however something tells me that it is all smoke an mirrors.

“The leaked script for Ninja Turtles that different sites continue to comment on was written well before I, or anyone at Platinum Dunes, was involved with the project,” Bay wrote on his official website’s forums.

The Latino Review makes two stellar remarks about the script and Mr. Bay’s comments:

1. The leaked script that appeared very briefly on the internet had a 2012 date: not last year, but this year. But maybe Bay is right and this script wasn’t for Platinum Dunes but instead for Paramount, which makes me wonder:

2. Why was Michael Bay going around telling people that his Turtles were “alien” if ‘The Blue Door’ wasn’t the movie they were making? IS THERE ANOTHER ALIEN TURTLE SCRIPT?!?!?!? There must be, which means aliens aren’t off the table, which means I’m glad we’re all being fly-in-Bay-ointment at the moment.

According to Bay:
“That script saw the shredder a long time ago. This is tired, old news – wait for the movie!”

I am sure that script saw the shredder. I don’t know the time frame. I do hope it saw SHREDDER rather than Schrader. As the pop culture world begins to tire of all this turtle talk, I hope it continues. Rise up Internet! Use your power for good rather than evil. We have to stop the pollution of our beloved childhood icons. Bring back the ooze and we will stop with the TMNT news.