Review: The Legend of Hercules IN 3D

The Legend of Hercules If you love 3D this is the film that will make you hate 3D. If you hate 3D this is the film that will make you take off the glasses and throw them back at the screen as the screen tries to throw everything at you. That’s all you need to know about the opening sequence of the movie…and the majority of the rest of it. Terrible post production 3D (EDIT: It was native 3D which is shocking because it SUCKED SO MUCH) in a film that won’t shut the hell up about being in 3D. You think I’m being repetitive? Nope, not at all. I’m just driving the point home in a much more subtle manner than The Legend of Hercules. A legend that needs to be left forgotten in the sands of time as those sands are blown into the camera because it’s a 3D legend.

Ok. Alright. Let’s talk about this movie. We start with some opening credits where spears and arrows fly directly at you yet at an odd angle which makes this whole thing make no damn sense until we get a giant title. Fine, whatever. I guess we got past that OH GOD NO! Now the camera is sweeping over a large Swords & Sandles battle scene. Have you seen the trailer for Ryse: Son of Rome the game for Xbox One? Well go check it out if you haven’t. That’s about what we’re looking at except that game looks a lot better. Now imagine sweeping through the battle as flaming arrows fly at you in 3D non-effing-stop. A few spears are tossed about and we get some smoke and fire as we zip through a burning building but we still have a few more arrows to go. There are so many arrows that I first thought they were embers from a fire. Ugh, I’m already tired of this movie. So now it finally stops and we see some soldiers facing each other with the leader of one army calling out the other. Good lord, this looks like the set of a parody movie with a CG budget. Think Meet the Spartans and you’re on the right track.

I’m gonna stop the play by play right there as I could seriously dissect every shot of this terrible movie. What you need to know is a giant douchebag king takes over some other kingdom and his wife hates him for it. She prays to Hera and she gets a response from an Oracle which tells her Zues is gonna bang her and produce a child. This happens. What we see is a woman raped by the wind. She seems kind of ok with it but the creepiness of the air blowing in on her while she sleeps and then orgasmic screams is really unsettling. Well her husband comes in and freaks out because he thinks he just didn’t see the guy that banged his wife. When she has a kid he decides he hates this kid and he will never be the equal of the son they already have, making Hercules the prince that shall never be king. But Hercules is his secret name… because. I forgot his real name because it doesn’t matter.

What comes of this is this damn movie trying really hard to be Thor. We have the buff blonde dude with his shorter, skinnier jealous brother. Herc is busy banging the visiting princess in a pond where all of the pollen and flower petals in the universe blow about incessantly because DON’T FORGET IT’S 3D GUYS! Ugh! So the princess is then told to marry Loki (I don’t recall his name but he is a poor man’s Loki…. destitute even) but she wants to marry Herc so evil dad sets up Herc to go to Egypt and be killed. Herc survives through deception, not through strength and is instead sold into slavery.

Yeah, that’s right. Herc isn’t super strong. He’s simply really good at fighting. And fight he does as he wins his freedom by fighting a bunch of dudes at one time. Oops, not all dudes. There’s one woman and she is the only one that doesn’t die because the movie is afraid to hurt woman… unless they are stabbed by their husbands… but I digress. He goes back home and starts a revolution using his new name (Hercules now, not whatever it was before) and more and more stupid happens until he wins the day.

This movie is terrible. Bad acting, terrible effects (watch for the photoshopped Herc diving into the pond), the most horrendous 3D that will never stop assaulting your eyes especially during the terrible choreographed action scenes were they speed ramped everything in order to ape 300 in the worst ways possible...*sigh* Crap movies are put out on DVD all the time so I have to ask how this thing was distributed. Who made the choice to fund this thing being put in theaters? No one should pay to watch this movie. Ever. If it’s on Netflix and you and your friends are drunk watch it for a laugh. That’s the best I can say about it. Otherwise it’s a piss poor attempt to recreate Thor, mix in some blatant Gladiator rip offs and pretend it’s Hercules by talking about Zues as he tears down some pillars Samson style and whips lightning around from the tip of his sword… yet still fights his fake dad “as a mortal”. The sets are crap with buckets of water being tossed like they are waves, the CG backgrounds are never ending, giants armies in the distance regularly become a couple dozen guys or less once you get close. Hell, there was a stadium scene where the crowd looked like the crowd in a Madden game. This movie is just piles and piles of garbage begging to be picked at MST3K style.

I refuse to give this movie any stars, guys. It owes ME stars for watching it.

And did I mention it was in 3D?

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YES, THAT'S ZERO STARS!