Review: A Million Ways to Die in the West

millionways A Million Ways To Not Be Funny And Make Me Wish I Could Look At My Phone In The Theater would have been a much more appropriate title. This is a Seth McFarlane film that he wrote. It is intended to be a comedy about the old west. The story is ok but it’s not funny. Sure I chuckled here and there but overall I was bored. If I didn’t have to write this review I would have left and found something better to do with my time… like watch Amazing Spider-Man 2 which was funnier than this movie. So I have to be honest right now. I don’t want to write this review, guys. I was excited to see this as I liked the nonsense in the trailer but after watching it I wish I hadn’t. The best part of the damn movie was the Doc Brown cameo that they spoiled in the stupid trailer. UGH! But fine, I’ll write this dumb thing so that the boss doesn’t strangle me. And don’t tell anyone he does that or he’ll get REALLY mad.

Ok, there’s a plot. A boring, predictable plot that involves Albert (McFarlane) the lowly sheep herder that sucks at his job. Or so they say. Repeatedly. Even though the sheep clearly listen to every word he says. Whatever. He’s the nerd in town and everyone picks on him. His girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried) dumps him pretty much because she’s a gold digger and goes off to date Foy (Neil Patrick Harris). Albert fawns after her until a new girl shows up in town. Anna (Charlize Theron) is the wife of the meanest guy in the west, Clinch (Liam Neeson) and is sent ahead of Clinch’s crew to… I dunno. Scout the town? It’s not very clear. But she’s there and she hates her evil husband and falls for Albert. Nonsense ensues until Albert learns his lessons and saves the day. The details aren’t important because this is a film written for the jokes and not the depth of the script. However there is no depth to the jokes either.

We have fart jokes a plenty, a big messy diarrhea joke, sheep peeing everywhere jokes… and that’s just the basic stuff. For example his best friend’s girlfriend is a prostitute but she won’t have sex with her boyfriend because they are good Christians and they are saving themselves. This is never funny and every time they play it for laughs it comes across as stupid and nothing more. People die a lot in this film (hell, the title is even dropped at one point because this is a classy movie) but it’s just not funny. Nor is it sad or upsetting. It just… is. A quote from the film is, “Dad’s up on the hill burying himself next to mom.” That’s not funny. It’s just kinda weird and out of the blue. There’s a shooting gallery and the targets are little runaway slaves with watermelons. It’s played for shock value but it isn’t funny. It’s not upsetting or anything else either. It’s just messed up and then you stop caring.

The actors? Well they do a serviceable job for what they are given. I have no complaints with any of them. It’s not their fault they are in a movie that features a drug tripping scene that has a big dance number featuring CGI sheep that end it with all four of them pointing their pink sheep dicks into the air and peeing four giant streams of piss. Yes that happened. I felt my face drop into a frown. The only good thing about that scene is that the people that were forced to animate that trash were paid in real money. I hope that paycheck helps them sleep at night knowing the horrible freakish hell of CG sheep penis they've let loose on the world.

If you hate McFarlane don’t watch this movie. Ever. If you are a fan just watch some Family Guy on Netflix or Hulu. Hell, watch The Cleveland show. That’s right, I said it. Watch The Cleveland Show before you watch this stupid movie. The only reason I’m not cursing Seth McFarlane’s name is he’s the one that bankrolled the new Cosmos. At least he can do SOMETHING right because he sure as hell can’t write a movie worth a damn.

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