Fifty Shades Darker

37f60d80713f34b5dafc6a676b959144.jpeg

There are two really solid movies releasing this weekend. Those would be Lego Batman and John Wick 2. Both of those look awesome! Did I get to go to a screener for either of them?

No. No I did not. I saw Fifty Shades Darker instead.

Before I begin this review in earnest I should state for the record that I have not read any of the books and I have not seen the first movie. So this film – again, a sequel to a movie I haven’t seen based on a book series I have not read – probably wasn’t the best choice for me to go see. And yet.

Anyway. Let’s try to make something of this nonsense.

There’s like three or four concurrent plotlines going on here and none of them really make any sense or are even remotely interesting. First, you have the fact that Ana (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) broke up at the end of the first film, I guess, so this movie starts out with Christian trying to win her back. And he does so like, three minutes in. So the main storyline is just about Ana and Christian just… dating. And not kinky BDSM lifestyle dating, just regular vanilla dating. So that’s it, that’s the main plot – two attractive white people date. Wow.

We do see Christian immediately revert to his shitty controlling tendencies. He basically tells Ana how to live her life and what she can and can’t do. Because he is a shitty boyfriend. Eventually he asks Ana to marry him, and she says yes. Neat.

The one subplot that interacts with the main plot is that Elena Lincoln (Kim Basinger), the “Mrs. Robinson” character who had seduced Christian when he was a teenager, doesn’t like Ana and doesn’t like that Ana has a vanilla relationship with Christian. The reasoning behind this dislike is never explained. She just assumes that Christian would never want a relationship in which he’s not dominant. Eventually she gets a drink thrown in her face and is told to fuck off.

And then you have Ana’s personal subplot. She works as an assistant to an editor at a publishing company. Her boss, Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), is a creepy asshole who tries to basically force himself on her. Ana knees him in the balls and then Christian buys out the publishing company and has Jack fired. In retaliation, Jack somehow sabotages Christian’s helicopter. Christian, being the ultimate Gary Stu protagonist, survives with nary a scratch. At the very end of the movie you see Jack smoking a cigarette and burning a photo of Christian’s family while watching Christian and Ana kiss, because this story only operates in clichés and they needed to firmly establish him as the bad guy.

Oh and then there’s some creepy ex-submissive of Christian’s who shows up, is a huge creeper, and eventually tries to kill Ana. So this film is basically “two attractive people try to have a normal relationship but have to dodge an absolute onslaught of creepy assholes.”

So if you get the gist of all that, you’ll understand that the plot is completely moronic and barely makes any sense. It jumps between the various sub-plots with no transition whatsoever and it made it remarkably difficult to follow. Despite the terrible writing I did think that the acting was pretty okay, insomuch that the leads had some okay chemistry and everyone who was supposed to be a creepy asshole absolutely nailed that vibe.

Alright, so, uh. With that all out of the way I guess I have to talk about the sex scenes now. There’s like six or seven of them peppered throughout – I tried to keep count but they’re all kind of the same and they just blurred together. There’s a lot of missionary going on. At one point he turns her over. At a different point he puts a blindfold on her and some cuffs on her hands. He also fingerfucks her in an elevator while “Moondance” plays. That was one of my favorite songs to play in jazz band in high school, and now it’s ruined. Thanks a fucking lot, Fifty Shades Darker. Dakota Johnson’s tits look real cute, because she’s like barely a B-cup so they’re still really perky when she’s shirtless, though when she has a low-cut dress on there’s zero cleavage going on so I wouldn’t say they’re a total winner. Jamie Dornan has okay abs.

I was disappointed in the complete lack of dongers in this movie. I cannot believe that there would be a film with this much mediocre sex in it and not a single donger in sight. You see a lot of tits and a lot of ass but not even one floppy donger. Complete disappointment.

Between the 800 overlapping shitty plotlines and the mediocre sex scenes, this movie clocks in at 118 minutes. And even though it’s two hours long, it’s so fucking boring that it feels like three and a half. Some dude behind me at the screener literally fell asleep halfway through and started loudly snoring.

(Side note, let’s talk about that guy for a second. This 60-something-year-old white dude went to the Fifty Shades Darker screener on his own, and I’m so confused as to why. Did he think he was going to a porno? He also proceeded to tell another girl in my row his entire life story about how he has nerve damage in his legs and is trying experimental treatment and whatnot before the movie started. I am so confused. Why was he there?)

At the end of the day, if you want to watch porn, just look it up for free online. You’ll probably find something with more dongers and a better, more cohesive plotline. Don’t waste your time or money on Fifty Shades Darker.

1 out of 5 stars