Review: Hitman: Agent 47

HitmanAgent47 So Hitman. This video games series has seen eight iterations in the past fifteen years. I never see a lot of hype behind the games but clearly they sell well enough for sequels. Hell, there was a film in 2007 that no one saw. Hopefully no one will see this one either. Because it's garbage. This film is ostensibly about a perfect emotionless assassin created and bred to kill kill kill and also follow orders which involve killing. He is the 47th Agent in the Agent program and we are now forced to follow a man with no name as he gives us no reason to really care about him in the first place. Along the way he encounters a woman with augmented senses that I guess we're supposed to care about and another nigh invulnerable assassin that I guess we're supposed to find impressive instead of just silly.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Video game movies get no respect from anyone. Not from the critics and all the way up the chain to the producers. Most people say that Hollywood needs to take these projects more seriously. That's not quite the problem regardless of what some Street Fighter fans think (for real, it's a super racist game where you can fight as a hyper violent, fire breathing and teleporting yoga master. Stop saying the movies need to be serious until you can make the electric bigfoot makes sense!) The problem is simply respecting the source material and trying to build on it in an enjoyable fashion. However no one tries to do this. These movies come out as piles of nonsense featuring aspects of games you love only in ways that annoy the hell out of you. So with Hitman: Agent 47 they sure did make it like the game... only with a terrible camera control and a very Japanese game feel to the plot. This is NOT a good things, people.

The movie opens with about five minutes of exposition. This is never a good sign. What's worse is this overly long exposition sequence told with a boring female voice and random video snippets is totally unnecessary because all of the points are revealed throughout the film. This means the movie assumes the audience is dumb and needs everything explained up front. Too bad some of the explanations still make no sense.

When the real movie starts we are introduced to Katia and very quickly we see that she has some form of heightened senses. Now later we are told she simply has amazing vision and hearing however what she gets are flashes of the immediate future. So is she psychic? Does she have Spider-Sense? I dunno, it never really makes any sense how she can hear a read tie through a wall WHICH SHE DOES. We see her flashes and one clearly focuses on Agent 47's red tie. Does red make a specific noise? Is a red tie more visible through solid walls than other ties? Let's assume the answer to both is yes and move on otherwise I might have a stroke writing this review.

So Katia is looking for someone. She doesn't know who the man is or why she's looking for him. Because she has amnesia. The kind where you don't remember a person but you spend your life looking for them. Oh, also assassins are out to get you because you know where this person is even though you don't but somehow you do.... I hate this movie... *sigh*.

Ok, so we have Katia with her super powers. Shortly after we are introduced to Zachary Quinto going by the name John Smith because this movie likes you to know something is up. Also we are introduced to Agent 47. His mission is to kill them both because there is an organization out to get her to find the guy she's looking for that is clearly her father that created the Agents in the first place (thanks, exposition). So this organization wants to create an army of Agents by finding the guy that created them. To do this they send... their own assassin that has body armor under his skin and can't be shot or choked or anything. Sound dumb? Oh it is. Especially when you stop to wonder why they want Agents when they can make unstoppable killing machines already. Even worse is when they catch up to the Letvenko, the creator of the Agents, all they do is yell in his face to tell them how to make Agents. As if it's something that can be told in a single sentence. Imagine Luthor from Superman Returns screaming WRONG!!! It's pretty much that but far less entertaining. Also the leader of the bad guys is said to never ever leave his office. This serves nothing in the plot as he leaves the office two minutes after we learn this.

By now I hope I've impressed upon you how dumb this movie is. Now let's get real, you're not watching this movie for the plot. The trailers promised cool action. Does it deliver? Well I guess that depends on whether or not you enjoyed Taken 2. If you did then you and I are enemies because holy hell was that movie is terrible with its poorly edited action scenes. The editing is Hitman felt familiar. Choppy, horrible angles and overly boring. I was never excited by these scenes. They really loved showing these guys in "cool" John Woo types poses while shooting. It gets old as soon as it starts. Lots of people die and at no point do I care about any of them. It never gives you a reason to care since there's no good reason for any of this stuff to happen in the first place. Oh, but they shot on location in Berlin and Singapore. It was gorgeous and for that they get 1 star. Everything else was piss poor. Everyone phoned it in on this movie. The actors, the director, and the writers. No one cared. Why should they? Video Game movies are a joke right? Well if we keep this up they always will be. I don't have much hope for Assassin's Creed, guys. Not much at all.

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