In 1922, a farmer conspires to murder his wife for financial gain, convincing his teenage son to participate.

Wilfred James (Thomas Jane) is a grumpy farmer who refuses to give up his life living on the farm with his wife, Arlette (Molly Parker), and son, Henry (Dylan Schmid). His wife proposes that they sell their land and move into the city for a better, and frankly, less harsh life.

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Review: The Conjuring 2

conjuring2cast When I go to a movie theater to see a horror movie I go because I want to legitimately be scared. Unfortunately that has not been the case in an incredibly long time. Time and time again I go in with high hopes, only to be bored out of my mind midway through the movie. Does the Conjuring 2 finally get it right this time or does it fall into the category of just being another jump-scare fest? Well yes and no...

Its been 6 years since the events of the first Conjuring and Ed (Patrick Wilson) and Loraine (Vera Farmiga) are semi celebrities based off of their work with the paranormal. They're doing the talk show circuit telling their stories and trying to sway skeptics. Meanwhile across the pond some strange happenings are going on in the town of Enfield, England. The Hodgsons seem to be plagued by a malevolent spirit that is none to pleased with them being there. The Hodgsons' house is a perfect place for a ghost to set up shop. Their in dire straights, they have very little money, the paint is coming off the walls the furniture looks as though its going to fall apart at any moment and the cellar is all but flooded. When the youngest daughter Janet (Madison Wolfe) who was absolutely amazing by the way, starts to sleep walk and see things that no one else can we get the beginnings of the haunting. As it gets worse and worse the entire family realizes that she isn't lying and all hell breaks loose. That's when the ghost busting team of Ed and Loraine are called in to do what they do best. The Warrens seem to be dealing with their own issues however before they make their way to the house. Loraine no longer wants to do what they're doing because she's having visions. Ed talks her into going over for one last ride if you will.

During the movie you can for the most part guess exactly what is going to happen from scene to scene. This is where the movie falls apart for me. It doesn't do anything different then any other movie that has come out in the last 10 years. The direction is fine, the atmosphere that is set up is genuinely creepy and all of the performances are actually really good, but I came to be scared and that only happened once and it was corny jump-scare. The movie is all over the place with spirits on spirits wrapped in other spirits. I mean, you can keep track of it all but it just becomes exhausting after a while. To me, the most compelling parts of the movie were actually the plight of the poor girl whom the ghost decided to pick on. One scene drove this home and almost choked ya boy up. The other aspect was the love story between Ed and Loraine. I'm a bit of a sucker for a good love story and surprisingly enough this didn't feel forced or corny. That however is not what I'm here for. I'm here because I want to jump out of my seat and me personally, I didn't get that at all. Not to mention the movie is 2 hours and 15 minutes. That is entirely too long for a horror movie.

In the end it just felt like another run of the mill horror movie that is going to do well at the box office because people love to be scared. The best part of the experience to me was the big guy sitting next to me literally screaming every time something went bump in the night. I didn't hate the movie but it was just kind of boring to me. Good direction and great performances saved me from falling asleep.

[easyreview title= "Review of The Conjuring 2" cat1title="Terrence's Rating" cat1detail="Overall Review" cat1rating="3.0" overall= false]

Review: Moebius

Moebius Directed by Kim Ki-duk, Moebius is the latest South Korean import that fits somewhere between the genres of extreme thriller and extreme horror, or at least it tries to fit there. An uncomfortable film more than anything else, Ki-duk’s dialogue absent 90 minute film shows the emotional damage that can happen to a father and son when a horrendous event happens to them. The film starts out with a physical fight that goes on between a husband and wife over accusations of infidelity. This odd moment is seen by their son who clearly is just emotionally distraught by the entire event. Later that evening the husband goes out and has sex with another woman and both the son and the wife find out. This causes the wife to have what one could only call a psychotic episode and attempts to cut off her husband’s penis. He wakes up to fight her off and successfully keeps himself intact. Unfortunately, the wife in her fit of bizarre rage decides that her son, who she has seen masturbating, deserves this punishment as well. She is successful in her attempt to sever his manhood. Laying on his bed screaming and bleeding profusely, the son is rushed to the hospital by his father while the mother simply walks away. At this point, I was sure this movie was going to go in a certain direction, and I could not have been more incorrect.

There is so much that happens after this point that I hesitate to tell you much more for sake of ruining the “surprise.” There are moments of mutual masturbation that are NOT, I repeat NOT, common to anyone. Director Kim Ki-duk tries desperately to make you scream and squeal while watching these grotesque scenes. I am a true advocate for the suspension of disbelief during film watching, but sometimes things can go a bridge too far. I have never seen a film that was so careless with how humans actually interact. There is more care in the average Hollywood parody movie towards human development and interaction than we see here. Moebius was presented as a movie that will have people running from the theater in horror. This isn’t the case, you may leave halfway through but its likely that you just think the movie is awful, which it is. I’ve seen many worthwhile brutal South Korean films that make me cringe in the way it was intended. However, Moebius, was just so bad that at times I literally said “you have got to fucking kidding me?”

I wish I could say that I don’t want you to see this movie, but I actually really think you should. Why? For the simple reason that this movie should destroy the notion of talking in hyperbolic phrases when reviewing movies in the future. Film criticism requires nuance in language to truly convey meaning in a substantial way. The subtlety of language matters so much in how we describe the things we’ve seen. With all that being said, this is LITERALLY one of the worst movies I have even seen. Abysmal in story telling, a completely nonsensical plot, and a resolution that makes as much sense as standing outside with a metal pole during a lightning storm. The title Moebius implies a neverending loop, but in the end that title is the exact opposite of what happens. I am not sure the director read up on what a moebius strip is but he probably should.


[easyreview title= "Review of Moebius" cat1title="Nerdpocalypse Rating" cat1detail="Overall Review" cat1rating="0.0" overall= false]

Review: House at the End of the Street

House at the End of the Street After watching House at the End of the Street directed by Mark Tonderai I am pretty sure the horror genre needs an intervention. This was easily one of the worst horror films I've seen in quite a while. I'm not a first weekend got to see it kind of guy when it comes to horror, but this even fell below my already abysmal expectations. I would argue right from the beginning that this movie has zero redeeming qualities. ZEE-RO! Besides the obvious jump scares, there isn't a single thing that sticks with you in this movie. So let's break down the story and then go with critiques...oh there are so many.

First off, House at the end of the Street is a perfect name for the twitter generation because now when I write about it I can use the hashtag #HATES and its both informative and accurate! The story begins with Elissa Cassidy (Jennifer Lawrence) and her mom (Elisabeth Shue) renting a house in a wooded area. I smell trouble!!! The house they are renting is thankfully not haunted, so bullet dodged am I right! Turns out that the house right across the woods from them was where a double murder took place 15 years ago; swing and a miss! I don't know about you but I'm already scared. Needless to say, all the neighbors hate the house and want to purchase it to tear it down. However the son, Ryan Jacobson (Max Thieriot) of the two aforementioned murder victims is living there. When Elissa meets Ryan she is intrigued by him and begins to show signs of interest. Ryan is the town outcast for obvious reasons, as he was the lone survivor of his family after his sister went on a household killing spree. With each passing interaction Ryan and Elissa get closer. The town often talks about Ryan's sister, and theorizes that she lives in the woods surviving and trying to kill again.

Everything about this movie is absolutely pointless. As I said earlier, there are zero redeeming qualities. First off, Jennifer Lawrence's performance was abysmal. She just seemed to phone it in on this one. I didn't think she could be any more flat than when she was in The Hunger Games. However, I don't think its an acting mistake, but a lack of ability similar to Kristen Stewart; yeah I said it. The villain is atrocious and not well thought out in any way. I can't go to far into that because I don't want to spoil anything. The plot was so convoluted for a movie with no brains. We are just dragged around for 110 minutes hoping that something interesting will happen, but it doesn't. The movie tries to play up these big twists but they just feel forced and seem like last minute edits. Hey, I bet they won't see this coming...booyah! This is how I imagine horrendous writers talk to one another. One of the lines that I couldn't help but burst out laughing at was delivered by Jennifer Lawrence, "I like the way you say things." Really? That's an actual line that one person says to another?! The movie flounders on all counts. When I see horror movies I don't want them to make me laugh at the dialogue. I should be tense and horrified at what just happened and the thought of what comes next. While watching #HATES, all I could wonder was when the credits were going to roll. Save your money.

[easyreview title= "Review of House at the End of the Street" cat1title="Jay's Rating" cat1detail="Overall Review" cat1rating="0.5" overall= false]

Review: The Possession - I Don't Get It...

The Possession

I'm not exactly sure where to begin when talking about this movie. Maybe I should start with the extremely cliched intro with the faint foreboding creepy child voice. Or how about the overbearing loud sound effects to ratchet up the faux tension that does absolutely nothing in the way of actually succeeding. Then again I could start with the fact that this was "based on a true story". If you couldn't already tell, I was not a fan of this movie at all. When the movie begins we open to a woman staring at a box that is of course cursed or haunted. How do we know this? By the aforementioned creepy child voice. When the woman attempts to take action against it we are then treated to a fairly violent scene that shows the power that this box actually possesses. We are then introduced to Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) who is the coach for what I can only guess is a college basketball team. After work we learn that he is separated from his family when he goes to pick up his children Emily (Natasha Calis) and Hannah (Madison Davenport) From his wife The Closer or Stephanie (Kyra Sedgwick). We also meet the new guy in their lives Brett (Grant Show) who is a dentist and apparently a hypochondriac. While the children are with their father, they stop by a yard sale and Emily eyes the box from the intro and is instantly drawn to it. After they purchase the it, things begin to go horribly wrong for not only the family but the movie as a whole.

When Clyde and the gang return to his newly purchased home, Emily becomes increasingly attached to this box that just looks like it should not be toyed with IMO. If you haven't already guessed, it begins to take over her and the movie becomes more and more mind-numbingly unbearable. Emily starts to hear voices, becomes detached, violent, turns pale yada yada blah blah blah, you get the message. At this point the movie wants you to try and figure out what's going on and why its happening. Here's the thing though, it's hard to give a fuck about anyone in this movie because there is no emotional resonance whatsoever. I wouldn't have cared if everyone died in a train wreck. Had that happened, I would have been able to leave the theater earlier. Well maybe not Clyde because he was treated like garbage and since they never said what he did to deserve such treatment, I just assumed it was because his family were a bunch of dicks. Anyway, Clyde realizes there is something terribly wrong with this box from hell and he seeks help from a Jewish priest Tzadok (Matisyahu) to save his daughter. You can pretty much guess what happens at the end and I no longer want to talk about this movie so I'll move on.

If there is one bright spot in this movie (and by bright I mean not complete shit) it would have to be the performance of Emily (Natasha Calis). She did a fairly decent job playing what we perceive to be a possessed little child. Other then that this movie was just bleh. All in all, this is easily one of the worst horror movies I've seen in recent memory. I honestly don't know what the hell it's trying to be. Is it a horror comedy, a serious horror movie, tongue in cheek, I really have no clue. Walking out of the theater I was just baffled by what I had just watched. Passable acting, a story we've seen millions of times before, characters you don't give a damn about and about four different sub plots that lead to nowhere. Nothing about this movie was good. I really can't stress that enough. If for some reason you decide to you want to see this. Go to the most ratchet movie theater in your town so you can at least enjoy the audience participation because it will happen. For everyone else, I would stay as far away from this movie as possible. I guess I've got to give it a rating so here it is.

Go fuck yourself!! out of 5

[easyreview title= "Review of The Possession" cat1title="Terrence's Rating" cat1detail="Overall Review" cat1rating="0.5" overall= false]

image via movies.com